At the end of June 2019, I made a very bold, courageous & quite frankly, alarming & fearsome decision……
When I went to bed that Sunday evening, I did not have motivation for the upcoming work week. As they say, if you can visualize it, you can make it happen. The problem was, I couldn’t see it. Not at all. This wasn’t a moment where I needed a mental health day & a sick day would suffice. No, this was a complete averson of my new position & my entire life. You see, I had only been at the TV station for a year. How could I just stop everything I was doing? I don’t just up & quit jobs. I certainly don’t just ‘quit’ my career. But, my heart and spirit were completely exhausted. I had completely run out of steam & was depleted of any passion or drive. You see, if I don’t have passion for a project, I just can’t do it, atleast, long-term. I had certainly been contemplating a change of careers for a while, but, I didn’t want it to happen on this timeline, in this way.
My previous employment was a 15 year tenure that encompassed a successful sales career, promotions within the company & management positions. I worked in the outdoor advertising/billboard industry & was in a large market where the company was using our plant as somewhat of a forerunner. We had a large network of digital boards – more than any other plant throughout the country, excluding Vegas & New York. There were unique opportunities being developed, along with new technology both internally & on the streets. It was stimulating to be involved in cutting edge research & innovation. .
But, now….. four years after my whirlwind move to another state to expand my career, I got homesick. I wanted to go back home to Kentucky & was given a tremendous opportunity as an advertising sales consultant at the #1 TV station in the market. I took the job, resigned from the company I had given 15 years of my life & moved back home. I was so happy because not only was a great job waiting for me at home, but I had also fallen head & heels over a fellow I’d known for about 30 years. Unfortunately for me, turns out I didn’t ‘know’ him at all. I had been gone from our hometown for 25 years. I certainly had not kept up with him or anyone that would have associated with him. So, our ‘relationship’ had many surprises, to say the least. What started out as ‘fire’ turned into misery & persecution. Cruel & relentless torture. I got taken for a spin, or a character chisel….. that’s what I’m still working to figure out. I felt I had been deserted by God. I couldn’t understand why I’d been placed in these tumultuous circumstances. I was out of my league. I fell in love with a man who was exhiliarating; he was crazy-funny, overly confident & always the center of attention. But, what I had to learn the hard way was that he was also ( as I have ademantly diagnosed) not just a ‘narcissist’, but a pure form of ‘narcissisitic personality disorder”. I’ve researched & studied this during my time of healing, but we’ll talk about that in another post. The bottom line is that the relationship abuse, mixed with my changing needs, compounded into a person who could no longer think clearly. My brain felt like it had literally died. I mean, I would find myself searching for the simplest words, just to complete a sentence. I started doubting myself – my independent self. I found myself in constant “survivor” mode. Consciously doing thoughtful work, research, writing…… I couldn’t do any of it. My personal life was constantly shrouded in chaos. I thought I was losing my mind & my intelligence. Did he steal my ability to be independent? Did he steal my ability to make decisions? Did he steal my self-esteem with his subtle tactics to control me?
That very early Monday morning, after hours of lying in the dark, weighing my options, over and over again, i was trying to make a life-altering decision during an emotionally broken moment. But, it’s as if, something took over me. My being knew I was not going back to my job . I absolutely was not gonna take a shower, put on make up, dress clothes, heels & put the “on’ my face. My gas had run out. If I was able to get off the couch during this time, it was a breakthrough. My mind was a cloudy fog. The tricks I used throughout my career to get up & go do it again, well, they just did not work anymore. I was changing. I didn’t know what would come of it, but my soul stepped in & begged for attention. I just stopped. I can’t do this anymore. I wanted quiet. I wanted to be alone. No computers, no cell phones. My dog & the backyard. This is freedom.
Here I was, this early Summer morning, with nothing left to give….. I was letting it all go…… too much had taken over me and my spirit. You see, I have been in media & advertising for all of my adult career – I put 21 years into an exciting & creative profession. All the commercials that have been created, jingles that have been written, crafted sales presentations & research, documented sales growth for clients, advertising awards……. I just now, know, I have nothing left to give or prove. I have finished this chapter. The challenge is complete.
While I look forward to many topic discussions on this blog, I am looking forward to finding a new tribe. I am looking forward to applying the mindfulness that has been my life as I have stepped back for the last 8-months after 25 years in media. I’m still young. I’m still passionate, but I am passionate about doing something that will inspire, direct, motivate, shed light…… I have had a big career & a big life. Now, all I want to do is live simply, live creatively & live in passion. That’s what this blog is dedicated to……. for those looking to find themselves, while appreciating, noticing & embracing all the meaningful things life gives to us. Sometimes, it may be something that angers us (because we care) or something that is unjust (and we want to find a solution) or something in business that may assist or shift the lens for someone who needs to see it. I am looking forward to this journey…….. with you! Let’s have some fun!
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